Isaac

The first time i actually find someone who is legitimately interested in me, i get too excited and throw myself out there. At the beginning, it was awesome. Course, the beginning was only a little while long. 2 weeks, maybe. Then we got into a routine. Every week we'd see each other, and the same thing would happen. I got a bit concerned about what we were actually doing, and thought that i should talk to him about what we were. I procrastinated far too long, and ruined anything that we could have been.
He is one of the most amusing, energizing, cutest and easiest to talk to person i've ever known, and i feel like i've lost him. It was my choice to tell him that we couldn't keep going on like this anymore, but he made me do it. My brain was in such a knot, with all the girls he would talk to. I couldn't handle feeling like he was into me one day, and not the next. It only makes sense that the person you're involved with would want to talk to you everyday, right? but i was always waiting, wonder, when he was going to text me or talk to me. Scared of who he was hanging out with, and what they were doing.
If i could change one thing, it would be the first night it happened. The night was amazing, until i gave in to almost a complete stranger. Sex should not be something that brings people together at first, it is something that two people who love each other for who they are, do. Never as a -get to know one another- activity. That's exactly what it was for us. and i'd give anything to go back and stay on that trampoline for 3 more hours talking about anything, just laying next to him, playing with his big soft hands... kissing his sensual lips... staring at his handsome brown eyes... touching his body...

All I have left to say is that i'm going to miss him like crazy.

I'm losing it.

I thought i had two of the best friends in the world. That'd we'd always be friends, even if we were far away. Now we're only 15 minutes away and don't even talk to each other. They've both explained why they're "mad" at me, and i've said sorry too! I don't know what else i'm supposed to do except give them my sincerest apologies. Apparently i need to show them i've changed? But unless i'm put in a position to change, how am i supposed to show them? Why can't they just forgive me for whatever i've done in the past and we can start over?

I thought I had two of the best friends in the world. But if they're not willing to forgive me over something that i'm HONESTLY SORRY about, then what good were they in the first place?
Maybe i should just give up on trying to get them back... i really don't want to... but do i have any other choice?

Well this sucks.

I can't cry or sleep. I don't even feel tired. the not being ale to cry part is the one that really freaks me out. usually in this kind of situation it happens... maybe im too used to it. im probably just too mad at myself for thinking things were going to work out smoothly.
I thought I was 1 for 2, but now I might be 0 for 2. you can't go to senior prom without a date... im like, not even upset about this really. I mean, I am... but I guess there's still the hope that he actually does want to go and really can't get out of working. I don't know what else to say except I wish I could cry. not because im sad, just so I could go to sleep, wake up tomorrow, and fix things.

Best Friends Aren't Always That.

Every new boyfriend and I become less important.

There are a million examples I could write here, but it really wouldn't matter. That's really the whole blog in one sentence. Aren't friends supposed to come first? Am I really that much of a hassel? Am I as stupid as she thinks I am? When we do talk in person, all I get are nasty looks, or remarks like 'ew... why are you wearing that' or 'why are you talking to them?'. it can't be that "best friends no matter what" relationship that I thought we had, because its only coming from one end. I feel im the only one maiking an effort. that's a terrible feeling, I must say, for those of you that haven't felt it. maybe I wouldn't hate the different guys shes always with if she'd actually invite me to hangout with them, but apparently im just too embarrasing.

Should I just be there for her when they break up? Pass the entire two months off like getting the cold shoulder for 8 weeks wasn't a big deal? I don't think so. But I know when I bring it up to her nothing will change, because with every new 'hottie', the cycle just starts back up again.

HELP.

Respect?

I can't help but get teary when i think or do something that even remotely reminds me of what my mom did. Usually i get over things pretty fast, but this is different. She went through my stuff, read my journal, which was jammed PACKED full of secrets. All because she 'wanted her girl back.' If she thought she was far from 'getting me back' before? Just think about it now. I've lost all trust in her. I don't think our relationship will ever be the same. Even if she did only read the page that she says she did, that's completely out of line.
Today was better than yesterday, besides this morning. Never have i been so angry and sad at the same time. I'm embarrassed that my mom knows i drink, hook up with boys, and occasionally do drugs. I don't want to look at her. I don't want to hear her voice. Hell, i don't even want to read her damn text messages she sends me.
To top it all off, the boy that likes me, i don't feel the same about. Which is always a hard thing to go through. Especially if you like being friends with them. The way i see it, there's only two outcomes; One, i suck it up and go for a relationship. Force myself into it, and try to have a goodtime. Or Two, Tell him straight up it's not going to work out, and lose him as a friend. I honestly would choose number two, if i knew how to break it to him. Obviously i can't tell him my true feelings, which would be -YOU'RE A MORON. LEARN TO SPELL.- Because... well... Yeah.

I feel bad that some people go through things like their loved ones dying, and i sit here and bitch about these kinds of things. It's selfish if you ask me. I'm talking about never wanting to talk to my mom again, when some have lost theirs, and long to speak with them again. Messing with another person's feelings is never a good thing if you ask me. I'm not really sure how to end this... So i'll just give some advice: Never leave your journal/diary/notebook with all your terrible secrets just lying around. It'll never end up good.

This is High School.

How is it that every guy that I'm... Not really interested in, but enjoy talking to, has to be the flirty, asks stupid questions like 'Do you like someone?' when they're just asking if you like them, Kind of guy? CAN'T I GET A REGULAR ONE!? This is High School. Not Middle School, where you tell your friend to go tell your crush that you like them. It's really abnoxious to text someone, and every time you reply, you wait anxiously for a response. not because you're excited for what they're saying back, but because you want the embarrassment of what they say to get here, and go away as quick as possible. I really feel terrible for the person on the other end when they begin to text in third person. Things like 'Is R*** a cool guy?" --Well, R***, who i'm talking to right now, NO. YOU'RE NOT COOL BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU'RE SLY, SPEAKING IN 3rd PERSON SEMI OMNICIENT! YOU'RE STUPID. Get away from me.-- It's not like i don't want to talk to R***, i would just rather he GROW up, learn to text, and maybe take an english class or two... With a little 'flirtying 101' mixed in. Ugh.

Another type of guy I always end up liking to talk to are those with girlfriends. Don't really have anything wrong with their girlfriends... haven't usually met their girlfriends... but i just wish they weren't there. Because between me and him is an attraction, just a little bit of opposite force. The girlfriend. You know. But Then i think, it's their fault, right? I mean, i don't have a significant other... they do! and they know i don't... but they're still talking to me! Gah, I just don't understand. Another reason why This is High School. Can't wait for that college dealy to start out. Maybe guys will be less..... thoughtless. Probably not.


Thank you for listening, Andy. :)

Rambling

I work too much. I like it and everything, but i don't even have time to spend the money i make! I've began to not care what people, my friends mostly, think about me. It's not like they cared in the first place, what i did or didn't... except for one, but i'm considering not caring at all anymore of what i have to do/hide to keep our friendship. If he's willing to not care about what his friends think of what he's doing, then i guess i'm okay with not caring about what he thinks. Does that make sense? I hope it does because i really would rather not delete all that. I think the beginning of the year puts me in a weird -fuck the world- mood. I want to do what i want, not take in any one else's advice, and be lazy. I have about 2 weeks to finish my college stuff if i even want to be considered to CSU in the fall. I doubt that's going to happen since i'm pretty much just relying on Front Range. I'm sick of my best friend thinking she needs boys all the time. There's never time for just us. Whenever i want to hang out it's always: 'Well, i'm at so and so's house now, but i'll come over in a bit!" Then i'm just left to wait around. PLus, listening to a bunch of stories about how 'cute!' they are, really just makes me angry. I guess i'm just super independent or whatever. I like it that way. Yeah, it's nice. :)


Okay I lied.