Respect?

I can't help but get teary when i think or do something that even remotely reminds me of what my mom did. Usually i get over things pretty fast, but this is different. She went through my stuff, read my journal, which was jammed PACKED full of secrets. All because she 'wanted her girl back.' If she thought she was far from 'getting me back' before? Just think about it now. I've lost all trust in her. I don't think our relationship will ever be the same. Even if she did only read the page that she says she did, that's completely out of line.
Today was better than yesterday, besides this morning. Never have i been so angry and sad at the same time. I'm embarrassed that my mom knows i drink, hook up with boys, and occasionally do drugs. I don't want to look at her. I don't want to hear her voice. Hell, i don't even want to read her damn text messages she sends me.
To top it all off, the boy that likes me, i don't feel the same about. Which is always a hard thing to go through. Especially if you like being friends with them. The way i see it, there's only two outcomes; One, i suck it up and go for a relationship. Force myself into it, and try to have a goodtime. Or Two, Tell him straight up it's not going to work out, and lose him as a friend. I honestly would choose number two, if i knew how to break it to him. Obviously i can't tell him my true feelings, which would be -YOU'RE A MORON. LEARN TO SPELL.- Because... well... Yeah.

I feel bad that some people go through things like their loved ones dying, and i sit here and bitch about these kinds of things. It's selfish if you ask me. I'm talking about never wanting to talk to my mom again, when some have lost theirs, and long to speak with them again. Messing with another person's feelings is never a good thing if you ask me. I'm not really sure how to end this... So i'll just give some advice: Never leave your journal/diary/notebook with all your terrible secrets just lying around. It'll never end up good.

This is High School.

How is it that every guy that I'm... Not really interested in, but enjoy talking to, has to be the flirty, asks stupid questions like 'Do you like someone?' when they're just asking if you like them, Kind of guy? CAN'T I GET A REGULAR ONE!? This is High School. Not Middle School, where you tell your friend to go tell your crush that you like them. It's really abnoxious to text someone, and every time you reply, you wait anxiously for a response. not because you're excited for what they're saying back, but because you want the embarrassment of what they say to get here, and go away as quick as possible. I really feel terrible for the person on the other end when they begin to text in third person. Things like 'Is R*** a cool guy?" --Well, R***, who i'm talking to right now, NO. YOU'RE NOT COOL BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU'RE SLY, SPEAKING IN 3rd PERSON SEMI OMNICIENT! YOU'RE STUPID. Get away from me.-- It's not like i don't want to talk to R***, i would just rather he GROW up, learn to text, and maybe take an english class or two... With a little 'flirtying 101' mixed in. Ugh.

Another type of guy I always end up liking to talk to are those with girlfriends. Don't really have anything wrong with their girlfriends... haven't usually met their girlfriends... but i just wish they weren't there. Because between me and him is an attraction, just a little bit of opposite force. The girlfriend. You know. But Then i think, it's their fault, right? I mean, i don't have a significant other... they do! and they know i don't... but they're still talking to me! Gah, I just don't understand. Another reason why This is High School. Can't wait for that college dealy to start out. Maybe guys will be less..... thoughtless. Probably not.


Thank you for listening, Andy. :)

Rambling

I work too much. I like it and everything, but i don't even have time to spend the money i make! I've began to not care what people, my friends mostly, think about me. It's not like they cared in the first place, what i did or didn't... except for one, but i'm considering not caring at all anymore of what i have to do/hide to keep our friendship. If he's willing to not care about what his friends think of what he's doing, then i guess i'm okay with not caring about what he thinks. Does that make sense? I hope it does because i really would rather not delete all that. I think the beginning of the year puts me in a weird -fuck the world- mood. I want to do what i want, not take in any one else's advice, and be lazy. I have about 2 weeks to finish my college stuff if i even want to be considered to CSU in the fall. I doubt that's going to happen since i'm pretty much just relying on Front Range. I'm sick of my best friend thinking she needs boys all the time. There's never time for just us. Whenever i want to hang out it's always: 'Well, i'm at so and so's house now, but i'll come over in a bit!" Then i'm just left to wait around. PLus, listening to a bunch of stories about how 'cute!' they are, really just makes me angry. I guess i'm just super independent or whatever. I like it that way. Yeah, it's nice. :)


Okay I lied.